eor | dreams and affection

Last night I dreamt I was lying on a couch snuggling with an old friend I haven't seen in years. We were just sitting there kind of tilted into each other, nothing sexual, just very comfortable. Back in the days when we were physically proximate we used to watch tv like that regularly. In the dream it felt so wonderful and warm. When I awoke I was woefully disappointed. I didn't want it to stop.

After thinking about it a bit I realized that I don't have much opportunity for that kind of interaction anymore. I snuggle with my honey and interact on lots of different levels of touch and affection, but with others there is less contact than there used to be. I think the reasons are pretty straightforward.

One thing hasn't change, I'm shy, especially around physical affection when it's outside already established patterns between me and the person in question. But that's always been there, so that's not the reason for the change, only the baseline. I think the change is twofold.

The primary reason is that the people I'm interacting with have become more reserved. Could be not wanting to send the wrong signals, could be carrying more baggage, could be a host of things. But if someone else doesn't initiate the comfortable touch, we usually never get there.

That's reinforced by reason two: I've become more cautious around possible personal barriers. Because of things I hear and things I read, because of the social climate, I consider whole continents of interaction off limits. Not because the person involved has expressed anything. By current social rules even doing something that causes such an expression is an offense. It's not like I intentionally wanted to make people uncomfortable, but now I'm hyper aware that I might cause distress or discomfort. So no matter how much I think you need a hug, I won't. No matter how nice it would be to curl up on the couch and just share contact while watching a movie, I'll choose some nice neutral place to sit.

I miss that mode of comforting, connecting, and sharing joy.

"But if you hear me talking on the wind,
you've got to understand we must remain
perfect strangers." -- Deep Purple "Perfect Strangers"
(probably the only time you'll hear me quote Deep Purple, the random music player picked it while I was writing this)