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please don't pass the malaise
Since last weekend I've been feeling morose.
I know there are some reasons for this.
1. My schedule has changed a bit so I'm going actually waking up well before I leave for work. This throws my sleeping and waking habits off.
2. The days are getting shorter here. Right now we're losing about 3 minutes of daylight each day. Daylight affects mood it's that simple.
3. Although the days have been sunny the air is notably cooler than just a few weeks ago. Early fall in New England is beautiful but it is a very real portent of the cold darkness to come.
4. My knee is still marginal which makes it difficult to get out and do things or even get things done around the house.
Knowing all this doesn't change it a bit. The primary way it effects me is how I want to spend my leisure time and what I think about. I find my thoughts are recurrently drawn to my failures, or at least my less than successes.
I keep thinking of the fact that financially I'm no further along than I was in March. On that front I made such stunning progress in the fall/winter of last year that the summer provides a stark comparison. My logical mind can list of the whys and wherefores, but I still feel like I've failed to provide for future security in any measurable way.
We got out and did some really neat stuff in the latter part of the summer. That gave me a taste for more and I feel cheated that during the whole spring and early summer I was on the awful 3rd shift and lost so much time. I am fearful that I'll end up back on the 3rd shift when my current assignment runs its course.
The fact my knee has been bad for as long as it has makes me feel old. My legs have always been impervious to any punishment I put them through. I don't like to have to admit they might not be that way anymore. "Why haven't I already...." goes the line of thought.
The insidious part about depression is that it make you just want to sit around and not do anything. If you start on the cycle by thinking about what you've failed to accomplish it is well represented by the snake eating its tail, the loop. I sit around feeling tired and dwelling on some little thing I did wrong at work or something some big thing I haven't managed to accomplish yet in my life. Blah!
I know there are some reasons for this.
1. My schedule has changed a bit so I'm going actually waking up well before I leave for work. This throws my sleeping and waking habits off.
2. The days are getting shorter here. Right now we're losing about 3 minutes of daylight each day. Daylight affects mood it's that simple.
3. Although the days have been sunny the air is notably cooler than just a few weeks ago. Early fall in New England is beautiful but it is a very real portent of the cold darkness to come.
4. My knee is still marginal which makes it difficult to get out and do things or even get things done around the house.
Knowing all this doesn't change it a bit. The primary way it effects me is how I want to spend my leisure time and what I think about. I find my thoughts are recurrently drawn to my failures, or at least my less than successes.
I keep thinking of the fact that financially I'm no further along than I was in March. On that front I made such stunning progress in the fall/winter of last year that the summer provides a stark comparison. My logical mind can list of the whys and wherefores, but I still feel like I've failed to provide for future security in any measurable way.
We got out and did some really neat stuff in the latter part of the summer. That gave me a taste for more and I feel cheated that during the whole spring and early summer I was on the awful 3rd shift and lost so much time. I am fearful that I'll end up back on the 3rd shift when my current assignment runs its course.
The fact my knee has been bad for as long as it has makes me feel old. My legs have always been impervious to any punishment I put them through. I don't like to have to admit they might not be that way anymore. "Why haven't I already...." goes the line of thought.
The insidious part about depression is that it make you just want to sit around and not do anything. If you start on the cycle by thinking about what you've failed to accomplish it is well represented by the snake eating its tail, the loop. I sit around feeling tired and dwelling on some little thing I did wrong at work or something some big thing I haven't managed to accomplish yet in my life. Blah!