(no subject)

[eor]

The current bit of Anais Nin's diary I'm reading covers 1928, when she was living in Paris with her husband, Hugh, and taking Spanish dancing lessons. This is before she met Henry and June Miller. It is also before she began seeing a psychoanalyst.

The story is still incomplete. I have three or four more volumes to go after I finish the current one. Even when I'm finished, I doubt the picture will be complete. But it has offered a fascinating glimpse of the development of a complex and multifaceted woman.

I am utterly fascinated by the transformation of Anais from idealizing classic English literature with it's pursuit of purity and higher ideals to the modern sensualist. First off, let me say that the dynamic of these changes is very complicated and even all that is contained within the diaries creates only a vague skeleton or connect the dots puzzle of what is really going on. Even if Anais knew what was happening, she was often reluctant to admit to things, even to herself.

Anais loves Hugh. I think there can be no doubt of that. So far, throughout their relationship, she has regarded him as her ultimate mate and companion. It seems a fair assessment.

Hugh works hard to make a good living. In the beginning it is so that Anais will not have to work (prior to their marriage she was a model). Then it is so they will be able to afford a maid, so that Anais won't have to do housework. Then it's so that they can afford to go to more shows and Anais can afford dancing lessons and costumes. Then it is to support Anais' support of various artists. Throughout this, Hugh continues to have interest in dancing, writing, and going to plays, but his work takes much of his time. He encourages her to develop her writing, dancing, and intellectual life.

At first Anais bristles against Hugh's work. She waits for him and is resentful when he comes home tired and talks about his work. Then she begins to develop artistic interests which distract her and is mildly disappointed that he doesn't have time to keep up and share her discoveries. Then, around 1928, she decides that since he is busy and unable to share much of her life, he doesn't miss the bits that he doesn't see, why shouldn't she share them with someone else.

She starts out from the premise that she won't be able to write realistically unless she has experienced. She starts that experience by reading the modern literature of her day. But then she takes it further. She has the idea, or perhaps the excuse, that she won't be able to write as a woman unless she has experiences as a woman. Now this is the point where I think she may have departed the road of logic reason and taken down the road of "because I want to". She and Hugh do have a sex life. From what little is revealed probably a fairly adventurous sex life. There are hints of sub/dom play, roleplaying, and they do try out new tips and tricks they pick up from various reading.

But she wants more, more experience, more stimulation both intellectual and physical. She feels it when other people love her and adore her. She uses that to motivate them, improve them, or sometimes just to make herself feel good.

Hugh for his part seems a man of two minds. Emotionally he is possessive and jealous. I think he took up Spanish dancing just so he could be her partner rather than have that entire part of her life be separate from him. I think he does want to keep her all to himself. But his intellect rules him. Intellectually he has believes she should develop and grow. He wants to do anything he can to encourage that. He knows that means she has to have a life separate from him to some extent. She has to go out and meet new people, discover new ideas.

I would love to see Hugh's journal for the same time. I wish I knew what he was thinking. At one point, in 1927 I think it was, Hugh says to Anais, "You must have been flirting, you have that look on your face."

These bits have gotten me thinking about the nature of cheating. At what point did she decide, deep inside, that she would be unfaithful. What bits of motivation were there? It's all very complicated.